I was surprised… I had just moved to the US from India and was talking to a parent at my son’s new preschool…. Seeing the question mark on my face, the beautiful Cuban lady with solitaires in her ears explained, “My mother had to work to support all of us… Am lucky that my husband earns enough and I can be a stay at home mom ….”
This was the first time in a really long time that I heard someone genuinely happy being a stay at home mom… She was doing it by her own choice and relishing it…!
Back in India I had usually met SAHM’s who were not being allowed to work by husbands / in laws or were at home for their young children’s sake….. In fact I even met a 50+ professor at a reputed school in Mumbai (India) who said that she regrets being a SAHM for her children …She felt that her kids would have grown up just fine even if she had been a working mom and she could have easily become principal by now…
What the Cuban lady said was like a whiff of fresh air… It then dawned on me that there are mothers who opt to be SAHM for their OWN sake too!! Not for their children, not for their husbands, not for in laws, not for anyone but themselves! They sincerely want to enjoy the childhood of their children… And that is when you start enjoying being a SAHM… otherwise you are always wondering if you should be working or not….
So I thought, let me try this way of life too…. I had been a SAHM for my kid’s first year of life in India post which I started with part time work for 1 year and then full time work in India itself for 2 years… Now my son was four and I was in a new country… So in spite of having all the legal documents to work in USA, I decided to be at home and experiment being a SAHM by MY CHOICE…. This is how it went…
- I became INDEPENDENT! Yes, you read correctly… I was more dependant as a WM…. Dependant on my maid, dependant on my in laws, dependant on my parents , dependant on anyone and everyone I could find who could baby sit my child while I got ‘more important’ work stuff done…. Now I feel “INDEPENDENT” & “FREE”!
- Mornings became much easier because I was not in any hurry to get anywhere… I usually spent the first few minutes reading a book to my son … He loves books… It’s amazing how spending the fifteen minutes with your kids in the morning in bed can change the way the whole day goes!
- Mealtimes became relaxed and tasty! I was so used to having bad food cooked by my cook and microwaved in the office in India that I couldn’t believe that a fresh simple self-cooked meal could taste so delightful…
- I was petrified of cooking in India… But, looking at youtube videos and trying different cuisines for my son has given me a basic confidence in my culinary skills… In fact he joins me in the kitchen when I am cooking something new…
- The stress of the ever disappearing maid has gone from my life… it feels like a huge albatross that had been hanging around my neck…. Doing all the work myself has its benefits….
- I can let my children BE… I used to limit my son in India because I was worried he might fall sick and I won’t be able to attend my meeting the other day …… So no playing in puddles, no drinking cold drinks, and many other such bans which I have lifted now…
- Every day I watch my ten month old do something new and I marvel at god’s creation … I didn’t quite observe my first born for 3 years of his life … I deeply regret it … But I try to make up for it now with my second born…
- My house has a peaceful aura …. broken stuff gets repaired… House gets cleaned …. There are fresh clothes to wear…There is fresh food… Basically, there is one person to take care of the house which is a HUGE job in itself !
- Increased mindfulness…. I had a big problem when I was working… I could never disconnect from work even after leaving office… I would be playing with my son but my mind was still trying to plan the event at office …. I was there for my kid but only physically… Now I can enjoy my kids with my 100 % presence…
- Fewer TEMPER TANTRUMS ! Yes… This is what I have come to realise… All kids need some unadulterated Mommy and Daddy time to feel happy and secure …That means no phones and no tv…. I can give him that time now…. I can appreciate his buildings made out of pillows in real time and not over the phone ….. I can eat a meal with him at peace… I can put on the music and have a spontaneous dance session… I can enjoy his little jokes …. Whereas I see my husband unable to get off the phone even when he is home… So you know what my son does ? He chooses to sleep close to my husband (we co-sleep) …It’s my son’s way of getting some Daddy time …
THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING A SAHM
- Lack of Appreciation ! yes, no one appreciates a SAHM whether it is India or USA… It will always be a thankless job…. When I was new in the US, I used to invite my hubby’s office colleagues and parents at Arya’s school and cook elaborate meals for them… The appreciation for my cooking and my house kept me going… However now I find that too much work… In fact now I don’t even seek appreciation … It’s like from being an employee I have become an owner… I do feel proud when my son holds the door of the elevator for a janitor in India or when he picks up someone else’s garbage and throws it …
- Missing Colleagues … I used to enjoy chatting with my colleagues which I do miss now…. But yes, I do have my group of Mommy friends …We have a potluck once a month and get to eat some unbelievable home cooked Indian food ..… Also, yes we do discuss kids, diapers, potty training, schools etc. and not bigger issues like the country’s GDP, sales targets , 5 year projections, power points etc. But who decides that the latter are bigger and more important than the former… to each his own… I find the latter frivolous… I find kids as the real world and the rest as a make believe world created by us to just make ourselves feel more important…
- No work future in sight … The world is changing at such a fast pace that I used to worry about my future when my kids grow up and get busy…. I will have to start from the beginning…. And that worried me till I realised that who knows what the future brings… who knows I will be even alive tomorrow… I want to enjoy my today completely… and even if I live till then, and I have to start afresh at a job, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t it a small price to pay for spending invaluable hours with your own children…. Read more at my blog https://enjoyingyourkids.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/why-did-you-have-your-child/
- Low Self Confidence …. Yes, when you see the super confident working mothers wearing crisp formals and high heels you do feel inadequate… however, when you start talking to them and you hear about their troubles you do feel lucky again… Most working mothers I know in the US are straddling work and kids… They travel long hours to office… fall sick often… kids fall sick at daycare… can’t meet me on weekends as they need to complete household chores… I feel lucky that I was one of them but now I am out of it…out of that rigamarole… I have time to pursue my hobbies which keep me balanced… I do yoga.. I study Ayurveda… I take my kids to the park and just relax on the grass while my kids play… once in a while I attend a dance party…. There is a lovely article on self confidence here …https://chopra.infusionsoft.com/app/hostedEmail/20958907/691b75cbebc12a8c?inf_contact_key=83e17f5c69854ed85423a8dde229d91b3cee8a92cc25da3b8abcc497645ca9e7one
- Lack of Financial Independence…. I have done my postgraduate program in Communications from MICA (one of the reputed Institutes of India) and was running my family business successfully for 7 years… Yes, I do miss my own money… Something I used to liberally spend at high profile malls, no questions asked… I have become more careful now because I always feel it’s my husband’s hard earned money… I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing!
The Truth about Part Time Work
I did part time work too… You know it seems to be the best option…. But this is what I experienced…
- Part Time work means Full time work at HALF PAY !
- Part Time work means carrying work home
- Even if I was not physically working , I was mentally solving work issues or getting over rude co workers in my family time
- The money was not worth it for losing out on my peace of mind and kid’s childhood
- It was a charade…. It made me believe that I was this amazing woman who found the balance between work and family… Actually it was more like a ‘dhobi ka kutta… na ghar ka na ghat ka‘…. (a washerman’s dog who doesn’t belong to the house nor the banks of the river – an old Indian saying for someone who is trying to do too many things) Disclaimer : you might be managing part time work very well… this is how I felt…
HOW DO I MAKE THE FINANCIALS WORK AS A SAHM ?
When my friends cry to me, “I am forced to work…I don’t have a choice…” I don’t believe them… We always have a choice… One might be a working mother because they genuinely enjoy it… Nothing wrong in it.. Just accepting that it’s your own choice whether SAHM or WM makes life easier….
I have also made some choices so that I can continue being a SAHM
- I don’t own a house… Not in the US …not even in India… I find that owning a house puts too much pressure on us to pay the EMI which means that I need to work too…. So I prefer renting one…It gives me a lot more flexibility… and if I do need to change houses, It helps in clearing the clutter!
- I send my son to a parent participation pre- school… that means that I work there once a week and pay a small fees …
- I get preowned baby gear, clothes and toys from friends who don’t need it anymore…
- I stopped buying expensive gold and diamond jewellery long back like I used to in India… It just sits in the locker..
To sum up I realised that being a working mother was like chasing a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… I was not able to stop to admire and enjoy the beauty of the rainbow itself… You can enjoy being a SAHM only if you decide to do it for your OWN SAKE … That makes all the Difference….
Till then, enjoy your kids…
Hi, am Anumeha. 
Well written thoughts!! I decided to be SAHM 6 years ago when I had my daughter. I worked for 8 yrs in corporate world before having her. I never had time to spend money that I earned. My job in IT was demanding, having my angel made it easy to take up the decision.
Ladies, take it easy. Itz her blog and if you agree to her thoughts, just nod and drop a line 🙂
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Beautiful article.
I am a working mum of three.
The thought that scares me about being a SAMH is how will the family cope if something happens to the earning spouse????.
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Life insurance . And hopefully a good saving because the family is cautious and have the time to plan. No unplanned expenses on eating out/ clothes et all.
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Even I have the same thought in my mind… Also, this is only for those ladies whose husband earn enough money to run the family..
I want to enjoy each and every moment with my child but had some financial problem and forced to work again…
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The only answer for your question is ‘No one knows what happens tomorrow’. So Today is real. Live it right. . If we start leaning towards ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ life is a nightmare. Be positive
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shirin the only way to overcome these negative thoughts is to plan n save enough for rainy day on regular basis. From personal exp i csn say if u saving even 20 percent of wat u earn
It can go long way in creating a gud pool shud u ever feel like taking a break
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I’ve been a Proud SAHM for 10 years now! But I truly understood the true essence of it in my 3 rd year of motherhood after joining a local support group for SAHMs called Moms Club..and now not thanks to the empowering support from others like me I built an actual profuse signal network , found my calling and now even work part time doing things I like.
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Sorry for the auto correct on my phone.. I meant professional network..
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Me too a SAHM by my own choice! I worked after my 4 month maternity leave.. Just when my little boy started moving around, from his 7th month I knew I couldn’t miss those precious moments of his childhood…
Not a single bit of regret there…I still have job offers and I am keeping them away!!
You have perfectly summed up my thoughts in this article! Feels good after reading your article!!
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A very beautifully written article. Actually certain things left to time fall in.place like a jigsaw puzzle……
I’ve been a sahm since 7yrs n enjoy it every bit….
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Very well expressed! I second you 😊
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My mom was a very happy stay at home mom to three children. When I, the oldest, was just 9, my father passed away. With three children ages 9, 6 and 3, she was forced to go to work and start at the bottom of the corporate ladder. She struggled as a single working mother all her life. She passed away a few months ago from cancer at age 57. I believe it was the stress of working to raise and provide all of a sudden, and all her trials and tribulations for all those years that contributed to her disease.
She raised her three children, including two daughters, to have excellent education and the capabilities to provide for themselves. All do us now have Masters degrees from US universities and are working parents to children of our own, and we balance our work and home lives very efficiently. There will never be a daughter or son in my family who will ever be off the workforce and have to face a situation that my mother had to deal with in addition to losing his life partner.
Your choice is yours. My choice is mine. But you and a lot of the commenters are young and haven’t seen tragedies in your life (I wish you never have to!) I am young too but unfortunately have seen few too many in my lifetime already.
Anyway I just wanted to share another perspective and something that happens to families across the world everyday.
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A few grammatical errors as a result of auto correct. But you should get the gist.
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Hello Tulip,
So sorry for your loss! Yes, I’ve seen the other side of this story & many many times.. The loss of the breadwinner can cause tremendous financial hardship on a young family. To deal with the emotional loss of a parent itself is hard enough and then the financial burden can drain everyone. And we see that the ones that are affected the most are always innocent children.. They not only have just lost a father but also very soon they lose the support and care of their mother. If there is no solution for the mom to stay at home she has no choice but to step outside the home be the breadwinner and support her family. Your mom possibly did everything she could to raise three girls and I commend her!
After having experienced this very closely myself I made it a mission in my life to take care of women and children. Women who are extremely dependent on their spouses for everything, The ones who say”oh my husband does everything he knows everything ,he handles all the finances” . Ladies, are you one of them??
Being a stay-at-home mom can be a choice and you are blessed if you have that. Yes you are right some of us have chosen a profession and it’s for a reason. Think of all the lady teachers ,female pediatricians And gynecologists,the nurses who care and women in the boardroom..Women in every field in the workforce..we love our children and our families equally and we choose to do beyond that.
And I say ‘choose ‘because life is a choice and you are where you are because that’s exactly where you want to be, whether you agree or not and that is a fact.
Thank you for this article ,it just reminded me of my purpose one more time. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom myself for a long time ..been there,done that. .& total respect . I chose to be a financial advisor, to prepare and plan for the worst situations and hope for the best ..when I step out of a clients house I ensure that God forbid if something were to happen to mom or dad the rest of the family will still move on.
I cannot fix the heartache, but I can fix the hardship. Call me to ensure your family is taken care of! Npatil@ft.newyorklife.com.
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yes its very true
the article written is true for SAHM. we miss the childhood of our kids while we work and lot of other things as we chose others to manage our home. but the fact that, at some point, God forbid if something goes wrong then the lady of the house should be in a situation to run the family.My hubby was a brought up by his mom after the death of his dad. and we know how she faced the world to bring up the three kids.
i am a mother of two who changed the job post marriage and chose to work in different fields because i had to stay with my hubby who would get transferred every two years.and now after my second kid i am not working anywhere.
i do enjoy being a SAHM. but at the same time my try for finding a simple job is still on. i may not lend my hand in expenses or any other stuff. whatever i earn would just be a saving. but atleast we might be support …in some way..
all i have to say is Not every working woman is the happiest or Not every SAHM is the saddest or vice versa.
You chose to live whats best for your life
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Tulip, well written. I know what you mean. No one in my family will be out of the work force either. They will know how to provide for themselves should they find themselves in a position like you described (God forbid). I am a mother of 2 little girls (3 yr old and 18 month old) and I am proud to say I work full time, spend quality time with the girls, I read to them, my house is clean (no cleaners) and I cook meals. I have worked full time also done exams when my first one was 6 weeks old. I breast fed both babies despite a busy job. It was a hard balance but I am proud to say I made it. But yes everyone chooses what they want. I find pleasure in having a life outside of my family. I want my girls to be strong independent women too.
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Pie, your experience, so well connects to mine. I breastfed both my babies too. Now my kids are older. I adapted my work to suit my family, and some minor hassles, I made both my work and family go hand in hand. By the night, I am ready to jump into my bed. But I have had those 8 hours of fulfilling work, 4-5 hours of time with my kids, 1 hour of cooking, 1 hour of TV with my husband.. and ready for the 6- 7 hours of sleep. My day is most fulfilling! Luckily I have a husband who earns quite well, and who would support me whatever my choice.. SAHM, or WM. I understand things get tricky when a man has Ego issues and would not want to help with kids and work, but I am lucky that is not an issue for me.
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U r lucky to have it all 🙂
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Mehanu, thanks. It takes some thought to get there. Its about what you want. Some of the comments that you made on your blog is correct, where you say ..not all SAHMs are sad. Its true. As many as there are WMs who like their work, there are that many SAHMs who actually enjoy staying home. Once you make your choice, you make it work for you 🙂
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Beautiful article… I m a SAHM in India, always feel bad about it and not being able to contribute to the financial situation at home. Thanks to you I can see my role a bit more differently now. Hope this article stays on my mind even when we have financial trouble and I feel guilty.
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you echoed my sentiments exactly… I left work after 14 years and 1.5 years later i am not regretting it.. I did it by choice and every now and then people keep asking me that when will you get back to work?? And I use to feel that may be i am odd one out that i am a happy mom.. This gives back my confidence 🙂 I do miss my collegues and work sometimes but its more than compensated by the satisfied joy on my children’s face when they find me at home after a hectic day at School.. I am glad I could do it.
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I believe each person is different and their life situations are different so there can’t be one solution fit all. I am a CA and have been working for the last 15 years. I have 2 kids aged 9 and 4. I took the decision to try SAHM in 2013.. Thoroughly enjoyed everything positive in the article for the first 6 months… Taking care of the house, no dependencies on anyone, enjoying the precious time with the kids, hobbies etc etc. And my husband was most supporting in everyway… However 6 months later- the novelty wore off.. I started itching for something to do which was beyond the daily humdrum of life.. Something that gave me an identity besides being so and so’s wife or so and so’s Mom. I stopped learning anything new, I stopped feeling the sense of achievement when you achieve any success, there were no goals in life- apart from the long term goal to raise my kids well- not that that’s not important.. But this is what I feel- when one has their kids they are in their 20’s or 30’s.. So if you give up your life, everything you have worked for in the first 20-30 years of your life for raising your kids, you are basically saying that’s it- I have done what I wanted to do for myself and from now on everything for the kids! That’s depressing because you still have 30-40 years of YOUR life left.. Kids will grow up they will move away after a while.. They are important, very important but they are not your entire life, they cannot be! So I went back to work after 1 year, but I was clear now why I was doing it and my priorities were straight-
1. My kids come first come what may- I am to attend all school events, I will speak to them everyday when they get home from school irrespective of where I am and which meeting is happening.. I will pack up at 5 and go home on 90% of the days, in the rest I get my husband to be with them. My weekends are to be theirs and theirs alone!
2. I am working for myself, and learning- the minute I stop enjoying and learning, I move out even if that means quit my job and be a SAHM again.
3. I am going to raise my daughter to understand that she is very important and her needs are very important.. She has choices and if she has a career which she has worked hard for, she does not have to give up everything in her 30’s to raise a family. However if she WANTS to do it, she has that choice too. She has to see an example which shows her I am NOT trying to make the best of a situation.. I am doing whatever I WANT to do and I am very happy this way.
4. I am going to raise my son to understand the women in his life are very important and they are strong and independent. Men are equally important stakeholders in a family and they need to share kids work as well as housework.. It’s not wrong if men are doing laundry or cooking or be with kids if the woman is busy elsewhere. He has to respect choices made by the woman in her life in the future. There is no way you can have a balanced household if the woman is trying to do everything.
5. I love travelling, so I am going to travel with the money I earn… I am going to take trips whenever I can.. With kids mostly but at least 1 short one for myself where I am not just a mother taking care of a family that’s on a holiday, but a holiday for myself too..
Any choice is hard, and whatever one might say, there is guilt in every situation. You have to look out for what’s best for you and your family.. And there is nothing wrong in changing a choice while you can too! Life is not perfect, it’s all about finding your way through the lanes and the alleys..and some sharp turns too!
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It looks to me that internet age is building more myths than ever. I agree with you. I don’t work for money, yes good money comes with my work. I work because I have put some good years at college, and I had put those years because I wanted to.I work because I like being occupied, and enjoy my line of work, yah tho’ corporate juggles exist. No one can stereotype life’s decisions. I see so much haggling on what’s perfect SAHM, or WM? Well its your choice ladies, but ‘respect and not reason incorrectly”, other’s choices. I get enough time with my kids, in fact my dottie is combing my hair as I write this, and its filling me up!
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Yes, agree with you completely. You do it only for your sake. And it pays handsome dividends!!
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Very well written !!
Was Working before marriage and after Marriage I joined Husbands Software business …
After 2 yrs of marriage … Mother of One … was SAHM for 2 years didn’t want to miss those precious moments of her childhood… and now Again joined Him in his business and now Njoying both the things and Yes Inlaws are supportive too !!!
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I have experienced all what you have said.You have portrayed it beautifully..no exaggerations…all ground realities…I have 2 kids and was working for the past 18 years …am freelancing now……Yes,,,you might have certain hiccups after quitting work…but”To gain something , you should lose something” is what echoes in my mind often…..
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Lovely piece. Well articulated. I think there is just this one other drawback of being a SAHM that might be worth mentioning. Not perhaps of much significance to many people. Surely it is to some. And that is… 6. Contribution to the world/society OR meaning of life: Being a SAHM its very difficult to define that aspect, and is often under-appreciated. True, one’s world of influence often is just the family or a little beyond that. True, one’s contribution is mostly how well the children turn out and in turn contribute to this world. But, neither of these are to be under-estimated. Am sure, if one chose to see that side, one would see behind many great achievers, a caring, self-sacrificing and thoughtful mother. Though I couldn’t find many. Not Einstein’s, not Zuckerberg’s, Not Larry Page, Not Obama. Ah, yes, Gandhi! Even though that was of a time two centuries ago, what an impact!
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Hey loved what u have expressed. I am a wm with no regrets by choice n not force. I have twins . I grew more stronger with them . both class four now. I have managed to spend quality time with my kids. I leave after they leave for schoo . N reach home before them. My in laws n husband great support. N the biggest thing no work on weekends!!!!
The gist you should be happy with what you do. God bless all sahm n wm. Women ate great!!!!
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I like your article …I am working mother …works from home.and trying to balance both.yes it has its plus and minus. but then I have also started thinking. enjoying with kids are more happiness than buying branded stuff, spending in gold etc…I really feel connected with your article. you can also add a point here.working on the greed of money and we reject our health totally no time for exercise and we also allow husband to eat out..and most weekend goes with outside food..as we work round the clock or atleast get a feel of working round a clock…
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Do you know that exercising your brain keeps off Alzheimer? Do you know how many women who have lived as working moms, jog hard even at 80 years?
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Offcourse very beautiful written. But I second with tulip you should balance work and life. My mom is still working but we are groomed and brought as same as SAHM. So we have to decide and balance. Thats my way of looking into it.
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Beautifully written… i see a me in you and your thoughts… am exactly at the same stage and can so well connect with what you have said…… Am on the verge to become a SAHM..;) All the very best to you…
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Hi.. you articulated my thoughts and reflections. I have been blogging for some years but never gave this topic a thought. My decision to be a SAHM ‘BY CHOICE’ ( thats exactly what i say too) was 25 years back. I absolutely dont regret my deciSion. Its just how contended and flexible you are. I totally agree with all the points you have written. All the best from a SAHM who is now going to touch fifty in couple of years.. trust me its more rewarding…
i read the comments of others and was surprised to see so many in the club.
great going …
all the very best
god bless
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Awesome article …I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years and I love it every year even more. ..I think when you plan to have a baby you need to even think if you will be around for them when they need you most. ..I planned to have my kids after 5 years of marriage which I did..And during those 5 years I enjoyed by working career very much..When I decided to have kids I was looking forward to be a happy full time stay at home mom to my kids..And I have no regrets at all..Bcoz it’s what I wanted. ..
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Very True. I too was a working till 2012. Now I am feel that I have time for most of the things. I am able to concentrate on quality of food given to my children. Spend time with them. I am able to spend time for my parents and relatives
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I completely agree with you. Seven years I worked in different corporates but the moment I delivered my first child I decided to stay at home. I felt that this is the time he needs me, he needs his mother’s touch every moment though I had kept a maid. Now I have a second child who is 18 months & I still feel the same. This time I have not kept a maid, the reason being I can spend more time with him
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Nicely written ! I too quit my job of 8+ years to be at home with my twins 5 years ago. It has been a very satisfying choice barring the times when relatives, friends and even strangers have expressed their disapproval at my choice. But the pain of being constantly under scrutiny is forgotten the minute I notice how happy and secure my kids have turned out.
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nice one..enjoyed reading it!!
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Oh, Wonderful article! 🙂
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Wonderful article rather wonderful self experience. I am also SAHM mom. And enjoying my motherhood and each moment with my 2 year old son.
Thanks.
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WoW! Well written and beautifully expressed… I have been married for 22 years. I made the choice. .the conscious decision 22yrs back to become SAHM. Today, I am a proud mother of 19yr old son and 14yr old daughter. I enjoyed each and every moment of my life bringing up my kids. Nothing in this world I can barter with those beautiful years I spent with my kids .. the happiness, the immense satisfaction, the love and nevertheless the bonding with kids and family.
You have summed up all the feeling beautifully in your article. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it!
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hi I am a sahm for the past few years. .I thank god that my hubby makes enough for me to enjoy my baby’s childhood. .. but yea like you said I do miss being a part of the corporate world. .to fill that void I even tried working from home which didn’t work… boss wasn’t happy with the amount of time I gave and wanted more time which I couldn’t give… but now reading this I am gonna feel less guilty abt not working and am gonna cut the umbilical cord with my corporate world whih keeps pull7ng at me mentally. .. and I m gonna be proud to be a sahm :*
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Loved every line of the article.im a sahm for 5yrs now.i felt bad initially that I had to resign but I consciously took the decision to be with my kid.iv enjoyed playing with him & teaching him.i didn’t want to leave him at the mercy of relatives and maids.iv not regretted inspite of unsolicited advice & taunts by others.it helped that I was always a cautious spender.i too stopped buying gold jewelry and havnt invested in a flat in India.
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Great Article….. But what is that point in life……… or moment…. when I should decide to be a SAHM…… My husband earns sufficient…. Its just that Its been adecade for me in the professional world…… leaving it would mean a kind of hollow in my life I feel……………….!!!
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My point was when I changed countries ! However I feel if one is not happy with what she does whether its SAHM or WM, she should change things and that is real inner power… to have the strength to make your life better !
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Hi ….I like your article …..but as my story goes ….I was SAHM for 8yrs….handling my kids and home….but then my husband started taking me for granted.everyday I use to hear ‘tum ghar pe karti kya ho’or ‘rupya kama ke dekho samajh aayega’. He use to treat me like a uneducated ,illiterate person.this went to an extent that I was thinking of getting separated. I could not even buy a small flower vase or a pot without his permission. Because he wanted me to bargain and save 10-20 rs.or else i was wasting his hard earned money.then I tried hard and got a job of a pre- primary teacher. Pay was not much. But it gave a good boast to my confidence.and a big shock to my husband,as I was handling my home and job pretty well. This didn’t went well with my husband as now I was not available for him as when he wanted.and he had to adjust to my schedule.so finally I had to quit.but he toned down a lot.and stop saying his typical dialogues.but now after realising that I can work and earn I become restless of the thought of being a SAHM.now am studying in hope of getting a part time job.
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I completely understand your status as I am in one right now. I am a SHAM because of certain events and situations that took place when I was in my second trimester.
I tell everyone that it is a blessing in disguise that I get to stay at home with my 22 month old. And YES it is! I enjoy every bit of it. It would have made me cry everyday to see my kid being raised in someone’s else’s hand (Even if it was my in laws or babysitter ) & missing out on every milestone of my baby.
The flip side; my husband thinks I am doing everything wrong. I should not spent any money with out his knowledge. He refuses to buy a sweater for me even when I have just 2 and they are old old and I need one bcz I live in NJ.
Apparently, I don’t raise my child correct. I don’t feed my kid well. The typical dialogue is on his face… I make money, what do u do?
It has taken away my self confidence and is making my judgement impaired. I need to go back to work to get my Sanity and get back my self respect too!
My current status is making me being a lesser mom and more scared of what my husband will taunt me today….
He goes to the extent of not taking my kid out bcz I want to. Not taking a picture with Santa clause bcz I wanted to. Not celebrate kids 1st bday bcz I was desperate to and he didn’t want to invite my relatives at the party. My kid suffers bcz I am weak. I am weak bcz of no financial independence.
I have to go back to work for my kids sake.
What the article says is absolutely correct, but not many women have a a favourable (I won’t say PERFECT bcz no one has a perfect life.)
Good luck to u. A hug to a fellow mom like me.
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HI Jigna… you are right…my life is not perfect too and nor are Indian Men … But sometimes we see only the tip of the ice berg and react to it… Its like falling sick and treating yourself with the symptoms (Allopathy) or finding the root cause of those symptoms and treating them (Ayurveda)… For e.g. if you fall down and hurt your knee will you put a band aid and go on with your work or will you try to understand why you fell ? In the first case its just a temporary solution…In the second case you might find that your shoes are of the wrong size or you are not sleeping well and when you correct that, your chances of falling again reduce… I have problems with my husband too and when he gets very angry he can say things that hurt me but somewhere I realise that that anger is caused by me in a way… I am suffocating him sometimes by not giving him any time and love because I am busy with my kids… not giving him the respect he deserves… treating him as my assistant when he is home rather than a parent who also has a say in the way his children are brought up… Stop gap solutions don’t help…try going deeper into your husband’s behavior… The problem with Indian men is that they don’t voice their feelings…from childhood they are trained to keep everything inside whether its tears or love… and then it shows up in other ways ! SO, work if YOU want to work…else its not worth it !!
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Jigna,
I want to say only one thing. Never let anyone touch you or your self esteem. its hard, and not easy. but, please do master it and take care of your kid. I understand your situation. There are many ways to earn from home, if you really need that cash. otherwise, just ignore and enjoy the life with your kid. Dont miss the moments and have fun every minute of every day. Things will change. but these moments will never return.
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I am a SAHM of a 17month old by choice.I love seeing my kid grow.But I am not happy coz my husband always degrades me that my employer dismissed me and that I am not fit to work and that’s the reason I am at home.Though I weep ..But yes I believe SAHM is one of the great job.
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Its completly depends on spouse support, SAHM means they have much more to handle than in work place, They cant take us for granted just because we are sitting at home,, We sacrificed all to give them a good life, Be contented with that, I just loved this article and now feeling great as SAHM.
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Hello Co SAHM :),
All through out your blog, I felt like I was thinking aloud. I struggled for a while to convince myself that not being able to work in the US is for my own benefit and a boon in disguise, which many of us do not realize. I am happy to see one more MOM thinking like me. Wish you good luck, and love from your little one’s. You really do not need anyone in the world to appreciate, our mom’s and grandmom’s never got it ;), we are in the league. I can never stop writing. You did make my day. Keep rocking.
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Gives me a feel good factor, as I am expecting and really worried how will I manage after my maternity leave gets over.. Should I quit my job or join back, questions like these worries me all the time…. But actually it’s our decision to have a baby and it’s our responsibility to give d baby all the care required, which only a mother can do and not a maid…
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Wonderful article..Very well expressed thoughts of a working mom who is now a SAHM.I could relate very much to yr feelings..I was working in the IT sector in India for the past 15 years and quit my job couple of months back to be a SAHM.I had a successfull career life and enjoyed doing the balancing act juggling a very demanding job, 2 sons, home, social life etc..Finally I felt like the stress and challenges Iam facing daily to attain that fine balance is not worth it..The money I earn will not be of any use if my children wont become successfull in life.there is no end to the greed for money.money should be enough to meet yr needs and lead a decent life..after reaching home late from I used to get less time to spend with them. We not only need to ensure that they study well, they shud develop good habits, eat right food, exercise well, make good friends and play with them after they come bsk from school, have open communication with parents and the list we want to do for our children is endless..Iam very happy that Iam able to focus on all these now..when I was working I was fully dependent on a maid and now I feel satisfied and contented that Iam able to run the house without depending on anyone.I get more time to spend with my husband too and he is also enjoying my support.I feel every working woman who is stressing themselves out to have it all should take a call at some point in life to revisit their priorities and be bold to do what their mind says..Iam happy to see that there are so many like minded women out here
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Wonderful Article !! Enjoyed every word of it !! I am not a mother yet but I am working. I can related to the morning chores and all day worries at work. But I guess as and when we grow we can keep accepting the changes in our life. Acceptance is the key world here.
My mother was a working mom and I realize now it is so difficult to take care of job and home together. I am proud of her too. She gave us everything that we wanted and yeah for that she had to let go her career ambitions. I guess she was happy because she accepted that there is only so much that she can handle.
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This was one amazing blog i read in a long time… just loved it… whether being a stay at home.mom or working mom… i guess thats quite a personal thing.. but being a mom when u are with ur child is important.. to give that 100 %..
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I very well agree with your thoughts..very well written..Iam a SAHM…every body has different priorities in life..my priority is my kids and I opted to SAHM.
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Personally, I think living abroad , especially in a Western country gets you to be more open minded because it’s less chaotic compared to life in India where most people circum to social pressure on a daily basis.
Whilst abroad, you don’t feel the pressure of being judged . You wish you had a maid, but it’s too expensive to keep a maid. Nobody cares how much gold or property you own. Instead, everybody is finding ways to save cost. You said you worked part time at your son’s pre-school. Would you have done that in India?
Basically ,you realise that you can live your life the way you want to and it’s none of anybody’s business if you decide to stay a SAHM or not.
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I’m just wondering what would be the reaction of the Sahms if their husbands chose to stay at home and enjoy the beautiful moments with their children while taking care of the house equally well just like the wives do. Would the wives be ready for such a swap? If yes then, I believe it is a selfless way of living and sharing marital responsibilities equally. I agree that not many husbands would want to do this but even if they did, I feel many of the women folk would not let that happen.
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I totally agree.. Who doesn’t want a relaxed life with no corporate work pressure. But do men have the same choice? I have heard so many women who say their husbands earn enough and it’s ok for them to stay home with the kids with a house full of help. Did they check if their husbands love their jobs. I know enough men who are fed up of working but for financial considerations can’t make that choice that women apparently think I’d their right.
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You are right… Many times men don’t have the choice to sit at home… But… they do have a choice about where to work… They don’t need to do something they don’t enjoy… They do have a choice to change their job…don’t they ? If God created men and women equal then why can only women give birth ? Why does God train women to bring up children…? God teaches us patience, strength , unconditional love through the nine months of our training period… We experience a bonding with our baby before he/she is born…Why cannot men experience the same way ? Why does the baby say Mama before she says Papa ? I am not saying that dad’s cannot be good SAHD’s … But yes in my case, my husband can never bring the patience and skills to the table that I bring.
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You know, this gets to my mind, a completely new thought. I am a WM. I have some sweet SAHM friends, just like me. “non judgmental, and supportive”. But, I have seen few SAHMs who spend extravagant openly, then boast that their husbands are ready to splurge, yet sneer on working mom’s greed etc. etc. And their husbands are just average earners. The hypocrisy is laughable. Do they ever consider, how their husbands are juggling it all?
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Happy for you that you have found your happy place as a SAHM. Its not everyone’s reality though. Single mothers, mothers with financial hardships, and many other factors guide women’s choices to go back to work-force soon after kids are born. I am glad your article didn’t lay direct guilt on working mothers but the advantages you list are certainly not limited to SAHM. I don’t think there is one right choice for anyone. In life you win some you lose some. And that is the sad part because it seems the full onus of child rearing and even when to have a child seems to fall on the woman while a man can go about his career without a break. To me that is the bigger problem I like the Dutch commentators pov – it takes a village and no woman who wants to continue to work after childbirth should feel the guilt nor should a SAHM feel any less for their respective choices.
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I have Enjoyed reading your article, I have been a SHAM for 5 years till my kids started their kindergarten ,it was a great feeling to stay home and watch them grow. I have enjoyed the precious moments but now I am back with my Job , but always make sure I balance my both worlds, it works great.
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*SAHM not SHAM
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I love the article. It is beautufully presented. I am SAHM to my 10 month old. I definetely feel that financial independence is limited, however i do feel very lucky and blessed to be able to do this. I want to continue educating myself while at home, so that I could go back to work if need be with confidence.
Thank you ladies for all your thoughts.
AKHILA
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Just loved what you’ve written and was so happy to see someone believe and appreciate what I do too.
I’ve been a housewife and a now a stay-at-home-mom by choice and never saw a downside to it.
In fact I feel I am more confident cos without having to work I was financially independent (thanks to a wonderful husband) and never lacked confidence cos this was a choice I made for myself and I was never going to regret it.
If we knew we were happy and satisfied with what ever we chose to do, what others think or said would never matter.
Thanks for the beautiful write up again.
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Very well written. Exactly my story too. Feel much better reading this article….. Love every bit of being a SAHM now though after 2 years of thinking otherwise .
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You brought me tears.. I was touched.. very nicely written.. proud SAHM here…
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Very well written! And how true !…I am a SAHM too and have enjoyed every moment looking at my baby grow! The downsides that you have mentioned have all been experienced by me…its just like you wrote exactly how I felt, giving me some hope that I am not alone feeling all of this! 🙂
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Even I am a sahm for 4 years.there are negatives and positive of every decision you take in life.but the truth is its your decision. I am happy currently being a sahm mom now but would like to have a career too after kids are independent. Hope all women enjoy their decision.
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