Today I am sad … Few days back I had written a post on how lucky I am to be a Stay at Home Mom (SAHM) https://enjoyingyourkids.wordpress.com/2015/02/26/i-am-lucky-to-be-a-stay-at-home-mom-sahm/ and it got a lot of comments …positive and negative… the negative comments make me feel sad because they did not respect my CHOICE to become a SAHM… They don’t give me credit for being an adult and having the intelligence to make my own life decisions…I never looked down on working women…I could never balance family and work successfully… They have the full freedom to do so…
So today I am writing this blog to answer those very people who are “not happy “- with me being a happy SAHM …and I write on behalf of all other SAHMs who had judgement thrown at them …..These are my answers –
- To the FEMINISTS : When did looking down on your sisters who chose to be SAHMs become a part of your beliefs ? Does Feminism teach that only women who work and multitask and get promoted and get paid salaries equal to men are the torch bearers of Feminism ?? And women who choose to Stay at home are not helping you promote your idea of Feminism ?? NO … a BIG NO…. Feminism (sisterhood) is more inclusive than you certainly are (http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/feminism) … …Feminism is that women should have a CHOICE and the FREEDOM to make their own life decisions …not under the pressure of their husbands / their in laws/ their children / the society / other women!!!!
- To the Women who work for their Daughter’s / Son’s work future: People told me that they work to show their daughters that it can be done …she can also be a working woman successfully… Or they want to show their sons that they shouldn’t expect women to ‘sit’ at home …But what these women forget is that children learn what is not being taught as well and we have NO CONTROL over that… so don’t kill yourself trying to teach them because that is exactly what they might learn ! They might learn that my mother was not there for me when I needed her and this is what I don’t want for sure ! Many of us have read the book by Sheryl Sandberg but we only know her side of the story… We don’t know the story of her children… We don’t know if her children will grow up to have the same beliefs as her??? And I don’t even want to know… I know myself … I was in Sheryl’s shoes and I was unhappy and impatient… just like this woman (do read her background at the end of her blog too) http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2014/02/25/recline-dont-lean-in-why-i-hate-sheryl-sandberg/ An excerpt from her blog
- Sandberg can keep right on leaning in if it makes her happy, but here’s my new feminist manifesto — call it a Manifestus for the Rest of Us.We need to fight for our right to lean out, and we need to do it together, girls. If we’re going to fight the culture of workplace ubiquity, and the parallel and equally-pernicious culture of intensive parenting, we need to do it together — and we need to bring our husbands and boyfriends and male colleagues along, too. They need to lean out in solidarity, for their own sake as well as ours.Women of the world, recline!
- To the women who work to make other women’s work future rosier… To the women who work and want to reach the top so that they can make pro-women policies….All the Best to you… You are doing a great job… Unfortunately for you, I am more bothered about my and my family’s immediate happiness .. I am too selfish to think about other women … Me and my family come first because that gives me the much ‘cliched’ but much ‘elusive’ inner peace! I believe that bringing peace to my home comes before bringing peace to the society!
- To the Indian Society (not the whole society but the one that is mentioned in the comments) : When did WMs become cool and SAHMs become dumb ?? We are so proud of the Indian Culture …When did the Indian culture say that Indian women should work outside home? I am a big believer of Ayurveda and this is what Ayurveda says… The first step of Ayurveda is SELF AWARENESS ! When you know about yourself and what gives you happiness/ grief , it’s the first step to Good Health and Peace of MIND…. So if the mother is at peace whether she is WM or SAHM, she should be respected and appreciated instead of condemned! She has found her peace …who are you to decide that she is dumb or smart ? Why don’t you spend more time in finding your own peace rather than make judgements on other people ? Maybe Judging people gives YOU peace …Now that certainly is NOT the Indian Culture !
- To the Parents (in laws) who think that their daughters are wasting their education by being SAHMs… I personally think that it was easier to work in office with responsible adults rather than manage my children at home… Parents, you should be proud of your daughters who choose to become SAHM….They have made a CHOICE that makes them happy …. Yes, you are not able to boast to your friends that ‘my daughter is working with ‘so and so’ multinational’… I understand … But you should feel proud that she is sorted enough to know what she enjoys and is doing that…That proves you were great parents… doesn’t it ?? And believe me, I am using all my education and learning much more every day ! Its like a continuous upgradation on Life Skills !
- To the Husbands who think SAHM’s need to work to for their identity…. Somewhere I think Identity is mixed up with Appreciation… SAHM’s have an identity (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/identity)…they just don’t get appreciated….some women can handle it…some women cannot… Husband’s, it is not your job to decide for us whether we should work or not… We don’t need solutions for our problems from you…sometimes YOU are our problem….you don’t appreciate us… you think we are bringing up ‘your’ children incorrectly…. You think the house is not clean enough even if we are at home….you wonder what we do all day ….you think we cannot cook as well as your mother does…. Basically we are not qualified to be SAHM’s and will be better off working and hiring a ‘qualified’ nanny (daycare) to do our work at home !! DO you think that anyone but me can take better care of my children??. Do you think that the nanny who trained on ‘other’ children can take care of my unique child better than me ??? I have a 9 month training by GOD + training on the job which no one else has, not even YOU… If you think I will be happier if I work outside then think again…because all I might need from you is simply some appreciation and acknowledgement for my efforts…
- To the woman who thinks its our duty to contribute to buy our own house and so we should work… I want to ask you if you going to carry your house with you when you die ?? if I don’t own a house, SO WHAT ?? I rent one… I don’t want the responsibility of a house and get stuck to one place… The world is my oyster… you know what I have done? I have invested in a time share resort …. because I want to build memories with my family… not homes !
- To the women who work outside to make their child independent … Darling, its like pushing your child in the deep end of the swimming pool to teach him to swim…You cannot do that till you have given him that initial training on how to float / swim right ?… Similarly , independent children need to be emotionally secure to be successfully independent… They need to know that you are there for them no matter what… read this article on raising independent children https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/201011/parenting-raise-independent-children…nowhere does it mention that you should start working outside the house to foster independence ! Please work to make’ yourself’ happy…that’s the most valid reason !
- To the SAHM’s who are unhappy being SAHM… Dear, if you are unhappy in what you are doing then do what makes you happy…If you think working will make you happy, then do it…. If you can’t work in your current country, go back to the country where you can work… Make choices which will make you happy because your family wants to see you Happy… A Happy Mother is the best gift you can give your children… However, do remember that even after working you might not be happy (like me)… And you might realize that the cause of your unhappiness was something else..maybe you just needed a part time nanny when you were a SAHM to get some ‘me time’. thats OK… you can always go back to being a SAHM… remember , we always have a choice !
- To the WMs who think I waste my time on FB / Whatsapp while they give ‘quality time’ to their child: Does going to office legalise checking your FB and Whatsapp accounts while its illegal to check them at home… Sorry, I am my own boss… I am not checking social media on someone else’s time… and I am not answerable to anyone for it ! I am with my kids the whole day but doesn’t mean that I spend every waking hour playing with them, teaching them … I am ‘around’ them… They can come and talk to me whenever they want …they don’t need to ‘call’ me and I don’t need to ‘call’ them ! I like it this way… I have never taught my kids anything like numbers or ABC… they will learn it sooner or later…But I provide them a safe and nurturing environment for them to learn on their own and I listen to them ! I LISTEN to them a LOT !
My due respect to the SAHM’s who are happy ! Kudos to you … you have guts…you have guts to know what makes you happy and to work on it in spite of what other people have to say or think about you…. You have the guts to give up your work friends, your coffee breaks , your me time at work , your financial independence because you want to enjoy your children…https://enjoyingyourkids.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/why-did-you-have-your-child/ … This time will fly away very fast… Soon, you will be celebrating the 18th birthday of your child… then you will have all the time to get back to work…I admire and appreciate you for your conviction… And now the three words you rarely hear ‘You are AWESOME’…. !
Till my next, enjoy your kids !
(You might notice that my blog has grammatical mistakes and the punctuation has gone for a toss… Please don’t let it bother you s long as you get the gist of what I am saying… When you have two kids to enjoy with, correcting you blog seems like a waste of time 😉 )