I was surprised… I had just moved to the US from India and was talking to a parent at my son’s new preschool…. Seeing the question mark on my face, the beautiful Cuban lady with solitaires in her ears explained, “My mother had to work to support all of us… Am lucky that my husband earns enough and I can be a stay at home mom ….”
This was the first time in a really long time that I heard someone genuinely happy being a stay at home mom… She was doing it by her own choice and relishing it…!
Back in India I had usually met SAHM’s who were not being allowed to work by husbands / in laws or were at home for their young children’s sake….. In fact I even met a 50+ professor at a reputed school in Mumbai (India) who said that she regrets being a SAHM for her children …She felt that her kids would have grown up just fine even if she had been a working mom and she could have easily become principal by now…
What the Cuban lady said was like a whiff of fresh air… It then dawned on me that there are mothers who opt to be SAHM for their OWN sake too!! Not for their children, not for their husbands, not for in laws, not for anyone but themselves! They sincerely want to enjoy the childhood of their children… And that is when you start enjoying being a SAHM… otherwise you are always wondering if you should be working or not….
So I thought, let me try this way of life too…. I had been a SAHM for my kid’s first year of life in India post which I started with part time work for 1 year and then full time work in India itself for 2 years… Now my son was four and I was in a new country… So in spite of having all the legal documents to work in USA, I decided to be at home and experiment being a SAHM by MY CHOICE…. This is how it went…
- I became INDEPENDENT! Yes, you read correctly… I was more dependant as a WM…. Dependant on my maid, dependant on my in laws, dependant on my parents , dependant on anyone and everyone I could find who could baby sit my child while I got ‘more important’ work stuff done…. Now I feel “INDEPENDENT” & “FREE”!
- Mornings became much easier because I was not in any hurry to get anywhere… I usually spent the first few minutes reading a book to my son … He loves books… It’s amazing how spending the fifteen minutes with your kids in the morning in bed can change the way the whole day goes!
- Mealtimes became relaxed and tasty! I was so used to having bad food cooked by my cook and microwaved in the office in India that I couldn’t believe that a fresh simple self-cooked meal could taste so delightful…
- I was petrified of cooking in India… But, looking at youtube videos and trying different cuisines for my son has given me a basic confidence in my culinary skills… In fact he joins me in the kitchen when I am cooking something new…
- The stress of the ever disappearing maid has gone from my life… it feels like a huge albatross that had been hanging around my neck…. Doing all the work myself has its benefits….
- I can let my children BE… I used to limit my son in India because I was worried he might fall sick and I won’t be able to attend my meeting the other day …… So no playing in puddles, no drinking cold drinks, and many other such bans which I have lifted now…
- Every day I watch my ten month old do something new and I marvel at god’s creation … I didn’t quite observe my first born for 3 years of his life … I deeply regret it … But I try to make up for it now with my second born…
- My house has a peaceful aura …. broken stuff gets repaired… House gets cleaned …. There are fresh clothes to wear…There is fresh food… Basically, there is one person to take care of the house which is a HUGE job in itself !
- Increased mindfulness…. I had a big problem when I was working… I could never disconnect from work even after leaving office… I would be playing with my son but my mind was still trying to plan the event at office …. I was there for my kid but only physically… Now I can enjoy my kids with my 100 % presence…
- Fewer TEMPER TANTRUMS ! Yes… This is what I have come to realise… All kids need some unadulterated Mommy and Daddy time to feel happy and secure …That means no phones and no tv…. I can give him that time now…. I can appreciate his buildings made out of pillows in real time and not over the phone ….. I can eat a meal with him at peace… I can put on the music and have a spontaneous dance session… I can enjoy his little jokes …. Whereas I see my husband unable to get off the phone even when he is home… So you know what my son does ? He chooses to sleep close to my husband (we co-sleep) …It’s my son’s way of getting some Daddy time …
THE DOWNSIDE OF BEING A SAHM
- Lack of Appreciation ! yes, no one appreciates a SAHM whether it is India or USA… It will always be a thankless job…. When I was new in the US, I used to invite my hubby’s office colleagues and parents at Arya’s school and cook elaborate meals for them… The appreciation for my cooking and my house kept me going… However now I find that too much work… In fact now I don’t even seek appreciation … It’s like from being an employee I have become an owner… I do feel proud when my son holds the door of the elevator for a janitor in India or when he picks up someone else’s garbage and throws it …
- Missing Colleagues … I used to enjoy chatting with my colleagues which I do miss now…. But yes, I do have my group of Mommy friends …We have a potluck once a month and get to eat some unbelievable home cooked Indian food ..… Also, yes we do discuss kids, diapers, potty training, schools etc. and not bigger issues like the country’s GDP, sales targets , 5 year projections, power points etc. But who decides that the latter are bigger and more important than the former… to each his own… I find the latter frivolous… I find kids as the real world and the rest as a make believe world created by us to just make ourselves feel more important…
- No work future in sight … The world is changing at such a fast pace that I used to worry about my future when my kids grow up and get busy…. I will have to start from the beginning…. And that worried me till I realised that who knows what the future brings… who knows I will be even alive tomorrow… I want to enjoy my today completely… and even if I live till then, and I have to start afresh at a job, what’s wrong with that? Isn’t it a small price to pay for spending invaluable hours with your own children…. Read more at my blog https://enjoyingyourkids.wordpress.com/2015/02/01/why-did-you-have-your-child/
- Low Self Confidence …. Yes, when you see the super confident working mothers wearing crisp formals and high heels you do feel inadequate… however, when you start talking to them and you hear about their troubles you do feel lucky again… Most working mothers I know in the US are straddling work and kids… They travel long hours to office… fall sick often… kids fall sick at daycare… can’t meet me on weekends as they need to complete household chores… I feel lucky that I was one of them but now I am out of it…out of that rigamarole… I have time to pursue my hobbies which keep me balanced… I do yoga.. I study Ayurveda… I take my kids to the park and just relax on the grass while my kids play… once in a while I attend a dance party…. There is a lovely article on self confidence here …https://chopra.infusionsoft.com/app/hostedEmail/20958907/691b75cbebc12a8c?inf_contact_key=83e17f5c69854ed85423a8dde229d91b3cee8a92cc25da3b8abcc497645ca9e7one
- Lack of Financial Independence…. I have done my postgraduate program in Communications from MICA (one of the reputed Institutes of India) and was running my family business successfully for 7 years… Yes, I do miss my own money… Something I used to liberally spend at high profile malls, no questions asked… I have become more careful now because I always feel it’s my husband’s hard earned money… I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing!
The Truth about Part Time Work
I did part time work too… You know it seems to be the best option…. But this is what I experienced…
- Part Time work means Full time work at HALF PAY !
- Part Time work means carrying work home
- Even if I was not physically working , I was mentally solving work issues or getting over rude co workers in my family time
- The money was not worth it for losing out on my peace of mind and kid’s childhood
- It was a charade…. It made me believe that I was this amazing woman who found the balance between work and family… Actually it was more like a ‘dhobi ka kutta… na ghar ka na ghat ka‘…. (a washerman’s dog who doesn’t belong to the house nor the banks of the river – an old Indian saying for someone who is trying to do too many things) Disclaimer : you might be managing part time work very well… this is how I felt…
HOW DO I MAKE THE FINANCIALS WORK AS A SAHM ?
When my friends cry to me, “I am forced to work…I don’t have a choice…” I don’t believe them… We always have a choice… One might be a working mother because they genuinely enjoy it… Nothing wrong in it.. Just accepting that it’s your own choice whether SAHM or WM makes life easier….
I have also made some choices so that I can continue being a SAHM
- I don’t own a house… Not in the US …not even in India… I find that owning a house puts too much pressure on us to pay the EMI which means that I need to work too…. So I prefer renting one…It gives me a lot more flexibility… and if I do need to change houses, It helps in clearing the clutter!
- I send my son to a parent participation pre- school… that means that I work there once a week and pay a small fees …
- I get preowned baby gear, clothes and toys from friends who don’t need it anymore…
- I stopped buying expensive gold and diamond jewellery long back like I used to in India… It just sits in the locker..
To sum up I realised that being a working mother was like chasing a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… I was not able to stop to admire and enjoy the beauty of the rainbow itself… You can enjoy being a SAHM only if you decide to do it for your OWN SAKE … That makes all the Difference….
Till then, enjoy your kids…
Hi, am Anumeha. 
Wow. Truely amazing article. I salute the siprite of SAHM.
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Hey..i am glad to read your blog. I have gone through every single phase that you have mentioned above. After working part time for an year I chucked a high profile corporate job to be a SAHM..having gone through exactly the same phase i agree with every single line that you have written above..will read more on your blog..
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Maintaining Balance between Home and Job is a tough job. And it is never done. ultimately, the home, family and the lady herself suffers. We should think twice before rushing after glittered and fake life.
what will happen when our children will have their own life and they will be more up to date ? I watched English Vinglish of Sridevi
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English Vinglish is a movie. Quoting a movie, for reality is an error. Tho’, I actually commend English Vinglish, for the message it has given. Respect every woman. Balancing is an act, several working moms do, beautifully. Several moms who cannot do this, generalize saying its not possible. That is not a right message.
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I like all your posts. We have very similar thought process n writing styles. I truly enjoy your posts
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great post! truly blessed to read the choice you made for your own sake!
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nice posting which I also had in my mind.
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Hi, lovely comments on SAHM, I also quit my lucrative career seven years back…but now I realized that’s the best gift I can give to my family….when my children lovs me unconditionally…when my hubby come back frm work late night n ask 4 kids all day activity…kiss me and said I m so lucky to have u ..can relax that my house is in safe hands and concentrate on my job more…bcaus of U…
Thanks to my parents who always taught me…wat matter at the end of the day…is how peaceful and soundful u and ur family sleep….
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I think this blog is about how to make yourself happy and justify your actions, to find like minded people and reinforce what you are doing is right. Personally, I don’t think SAHMs have anything better than working moms to be proud of. We all make decisions on what suits us best. It should never be like ‘I am lucky because I get to stay home’.
I will start with my own story as a working mom then SAHM and then as a working mother again.
I was always very concerned about my kids when I was working. Their diet, the fact that they miss me or guilt that I prefer money over my kids…were the reasons I decided to stay home..I was assured that my husband based on his competence can never lose his job.
After I quit, I was feeling great for first few months. When I was home I was spending most of my time cleaning up my house with two kids. Rest of it was cooking because they do need meals and snacks and what not . I did not have anything challenging to do, I am not into crafts, cooking etc nor did I ever get any time to pursue my hobbies. I had to think before spending, had to rethink my decision about sending my kid to Private school. I did not feel secure about mine or my kids future since we were not able to save much. I was always working non stop, working for home..never resting. The weekends did not feel as enticing. ..My husband also felt insecure about his job as we did not have any backup earnings . He was working extra hard and thus bringing a lot of stress at home. He was unable to contribute or help in any way. I was expected to do everything as I was the SAHM. Although I was happy I was not stressed about my job anymore and had my kids in front of my eyes all day.
I started working as a home cook but that too was not attractive compared to salary I got when I worked. Sometimes I felt so terribly bored at the end of the day but at the same time felt good inside that my kids are not raised by someone else.
This happiness did not last long though, after dragging myself through it for two years..the negativity had started to enter me. I was feeling worthless.. I was comparing myself to other working moms, I was losing confidence ..was totally under-challenged because nothing could give me a feeling of self worth as bringing money home and feeling a part of something Big could. I missed that sense of independence. I also could not contribute any better to my kids life because I did not have time..I was always cleaning, cooking, driving or doing something important for the home. Even after doing all that I did not feel satisfied. I could have spend the same time at work doing things I like and also gotten home some money rather than cleaning 24×7.
..and then it happened, my husband’s company laid off people. He had to find a job in next two months or we will have no earning member in the family. It gave me a big jolt..luckily I got an offer and negotiated the job to be a part time job.
This has given me all the happiness in the world, I work three days stay home, four with my kids. I am a contractor, I can chose to work any number of hours and still earn a decent salary. I think I have found the perfect balance in my life. As my kids are growing up I am increasing my work load. I am glad I will have my job when they start going to school or move out of home. I love my kids, my younger one goes to day care and she learns much more than she does when she stays home with me. She is doing much better than my older one ( in terms of independence) who I have baby sat for 4 years. My husband and I both share the responsibilities around the house..it makes our bonding stronger as we are going through the struggle together and we understand how it is to be in each other’s shoes. It feels good sharing our personal stories from work, have lots of discussions around how to get ahead in career and all that learning from each other. Best of all, I work guilt free..I know SAHM is not for me.
IN context of this blog, I don’t feel SAHMs need to be glorified as they are here. It’s a personal choice. It is much harder to work outside and take care of the home at same time. But It’s more satisfying for me… I must say – Working mothers are not always after money or career and SAHM are not always dumb or lucky…there is much more to them and their decisions than the stereotypes attached to them.
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Absolutely chandlerresident…i completely agree with you…
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I liked the reply from chandlerresident as I am also a working MOM and have same views as her ..There is no comparison of SAHM and working MOM ..Everyone have their own challenges … But personally I am enjoying being working mom as i never compromised between my personal life and office , Yes of course I have very good support from My Family . I am working , perusing my Masters , attending all the meeting conferences , going for holidays with Kids and family , spending time with family and earning as well ..So I am happy with choice … I hope everyone at the end of day should be happy whether u work or do not .
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Awesome. People like to say and believe that we always have a choice. Perhaps we do but the uncertainty of future especially of your kids and and old age makes you want to go on and save for a rainy day – do you call it a choice? Not as per my understanding. We do what we perceive to be the best and quite a few times it is against the tide.
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Here is the deal.. And I shall rewrite these on such blogs.
A greater percentage of working moms.. do not work for the materialistic aspects exactly. “They work because they enjoy it, and they find they are able to balance it as good as possible, and actually these moms enjoy their kids as well” This concept I find, is too complicated to be understood by certain mindsets.
Don’t argue about motherhod, don’t argue about others decisions. Just do what works for you. For those SAHMs/WMs that finger point, there are enough SAHMs/WMs who concentrate on living their lives at its best, based on what works best, and not create bad rules. Latter actually give a helping hand wherever possible.. rather than the former, who finger point, wasting precious times of all mothers.
I as a mother, know the time it takes to raise kids. I have seen enough widows, single mothers, to know the concept of a rainy day. We all have a life to live, and we want to make sure it gets better, and that we are more prepared. But, working moms are not just working for the rainy day concept, there maybe several other motivating factors.
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Thank youfor this
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Quoting from your post
“It’s a personal choice. It is much harder to work outside and take care of the home at same time. But It’s more satisfying for me… I must say – Working mothers are not always after money or career and SAHM are not always dumb or lucky”
*claps* for calling this out!!!
Yes!! It’s neither “the other side is greener” nor “those grapes are sour”… It’s gotta be “I do it because I like it and want to do it!!”
Not all fingers are alike.. Not all are skilled alike.. It’s a great sense of self-satisfaction when one wants to explore their own skills.. And if the job on hand (be it outside work or home work) gives exactly that then nothing like it!!!! 🙂 Be in the moment and enjoy what you do!!! *Thumbs up*
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Ladies, I really enjoyed reading, replying and going through the comments pertaining to this blog.
Just a humble request, please view and share this powerful video on Brest Cancer awareness (Produced and Directed by my sister)
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Breast-Cancer-Warriors/785685924850070
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Will do!! Kudos!
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Hmm you start and end your post with very contradictory sentiments.
In the first paragraph, you describe the Cuban lady as “the beautiful Cuban lady with solitaires in her ears”. Then, you end with “I stopped buying expensive gold and diamond jewellery long back like I used to in India… It just sits in the locker..”
If you really don’t care about jewelry, why is that one of the first things you notice about someone? Seems to me that you aren’t completely satisfied with what you’re doing and this is a way for you to think out loud and justify some of your decisions.
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Hi contradictions , solitaires was mentioned by me for the readers to note that she was well to do .. And yes I appreciate good jewelry even if I don’t buy it 🙂
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Hi,
I have just few questions and I hope you can provide me with a honest reply. My questions are more from a working husband point of you so you can consider this questions as asked by your husband to you.
1) Can working man have all this choices to be stay at home dad ?
2) Can he be more stress free and enjoy life by avoiding future plans for family?
3) As you correctly pointes no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow so lets enjoy today’s time with your children so can working dad have this luxury?
4) Before marriage If a man ask a woman to be a housewife then woman judge them by saying you just need a maid to do your housework and If the same man asks her his wife to work to contribute to her family then he will get to hear you married me for making more money. I am really confused with this double standards. Can you enlighten me on this ?
I am not here to judge anyone I am a responsible father & Husband and I have been working more harder after I became father to secure my families needs I work to fulfill basic needs of my family and I also enjoy my work because I see as a lifestyle instead to looking work as a pot of gold.
After working my full hours I spent 2 hours in the evening after work with my baby I fees him and then I put him to sleep also, I also wake up early morning before 6 am to look after him to provide my wife that extra sleep so she can feel also refreshed. I also cook delicious food, vaccum clean whole apartment, cook breakfast, wash clothes and do dishes when needed.
I also have emotions, sentiments and would like to build up memories with my child. Hence are the above questions asked.
Thank you for sharing your experience I wish you good luck with your family.
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You are a wonderful father and husband! All beautiful points and valid questions.
Please know that the writer of this blog is an immature and insecure girl who doesn’t understand the complexities of families and family structures, the needs and wants and reasons people (women and men) work or decide to stay at home.
If you see her previous and later blog posts you will see that she just rambles what comes to her mind on that particular day. She is not deserving of the platform she has acquired by fluke.
Please don’t take her words to heart. It’s all just nonsense.
You are doing a great job :). Please keep at it and enjoy your wonderful family!
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Hi Tulip. Thank your for your honest views. You and me are so similar. Honest to the core and we don’t hold back anything 🙂 Anyway, real maturity is accepting another person’s point of view without getting rattled, judging them and calling them names. Have a great day 🙂
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Hi Karan,
Your family is very lucky to have you. I read out your post to my husband and he felt that these were very valid questions what he could ask me too. So here are my replies for both of you :
1) Can working man have all this choices to be stay at home dad ?
Ans: Yes. Everyone has a choice. It may be easier to execute that choice in some countries like the US while its tougher in some countries like India because the society is still maturing.
I have explained this in my blog on Equal parenting (https://enjoyingyourkids.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/equal-parenting-is-it-a-myth/). The lion and the lioness divide their work as per their strengths and weaknesses. If your strength is to earn money, and your wife’s is to care for the kids, you do that . Else you reverse the roles. I do know of stay at home dad’s in the US . So am sure its possible.
2) Can he be more stress free and enjoy life by avoiding future plans for family?
Ans : No. You will be more stressed if you don’t plan for the future of the family. At the same time, you will be more stressed if you save everything for your future and postpone today’s enjoyment for a future time that is yet to come and it will probably never come ! Everyone, goes through this stress especially if you partner is not bothered about saving ..hahaha…
We went through this stress too till my husband and I sat together and worked out our finances. We marked out a budget for the house expenses and a portion as savings for our future which we then invested in life insurance and mutual funds. We haven’t bought a home yet though because the pressure of the EMI is daunting. But now we are not that stressed.
3) As you correctly pointed no one knows what is going to happen tomorrow so lets enjoy today’s time with your children so can working dad have this luxury?
Ans: Yes. everyone can have this luxury whether you are a working dad or mom or a SAHM or a SAHD. When I am at home, I am not sitting and playing with my kids all the time. I have work to do too… In fact a TON of never ending work. In fact, I hardly get to sit down on the carpet and play with the kids. However, this is how I enjoy them. I enjoy everything I do with them mindfully. For e.g. changing the diaper is a fun time and not a chore. meal times are fun times and not battle times. bath time is also a lot of fun and extends over an hour. bed time stories are my kids favorite part. And when they want to show me something they made or do something silly, I am able to stop what I am doing and give them my 100% attention. You can do that too by doing the following things :
a) complete your urgent work before entering home. even if it means staying a tad longer in your car to complete an important email before you enter the home
b) silence your phone before you enter.
c) schedule conference calls for office time or after kids sleep at night. however the night time after kids sleep should ideally be reserved for your me time or spouse time.
d) when you are with the kids be 100% with them, physically and mentally. play with them. laugh with them. LISTEN to them and their achievements in the day. Don’t use this time to correct them. Use this time to CONNECT with them.
e) if you are too tired to play with them when you come home, then take a ten min power nap in your car before you enter the home. If your commute is killing you, try to find a job closer home or move your home closer to your job. be open to making changes in your life to have time for things that really matter to you.
f) take care of your health so you can enjoy them more. sleep for 8 hours. exercise. eat well so that you are fit enough to enjoy your time with them.
g) enjoy your caterpillars now !soon they will become butterflies and you will admire them from far !
4) Before marriage If a man ask a woman to be a housewife then woman judge them by saying you just need a maid to do your housework and If the same man asks her his wife to work to contribute to her family then he will get to hear you married me for making more money. I am really confused with this double standards. Can you enlighten me on this ?
Ans. I must say your questions are really good. Seems like you have given a lot of thought to it. Yes. I agree with your question and the double standards especially in the Indian society. It might be true in other societies but I am not aware of them. So, my answer to this is that the problem is when the husband asks the wife to either be a home maker or working woman. NO. the choice is not of the husband alone. and nor of the wife alone. The wife also cannot say I don’t want to work or I want to work. As the husband is unable to say that he doesn’t want to work, in your case. So the ideal situation is when the husband and wife sit down as partners and discuss the best option for the whole family. It is their decision as a team keeping in mind the strengths and weakness of each person and happiness of all.
HOPE my answers show you some light. Do write to me your views as this is a very healthy discussion 🙂
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It’s really a good article , I would say must read for everyone. its true from practice as well as spiritual angle . If you doesn’t spend time when they need you in the childhood days, how do you expect them to love you or support when you are in need. life is not all about running behind material but it is all about to live the every moment of your life. I support this idea it is better to grow good children rather than collects wealth for their future.
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LOL.. 😀
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excellent blog
i happened to see this post shared by my wife on her Fb
my wife is an SAHM on her own choice.A Doctor by profession (we both are) , i believed she sacrificed her career so that i could concentrate on my post graduation and stressful work.i always felt bad that i was actually destroying her career so that i could move forward in life. But my biggest surprise came when she told me that she is doing it out of her own choice and she just loves to be with the kids.She has made my family strong. The only thing in my mind once i finish my shift is to get home to that wonderful warm family atmosphere she has so painstakingly carved for me.We may have earned a couple of lakhs extra if she worked….but ultimately..if you look at it…we still enjoy all the comforts a higher middle class family can afford…we go to the same restaurants, same parks, same movie theaters..whats the difference ? 🙂
Yeah right…may be i still have not bought that plot of land or apartment which most people equate to success. But i have a tension free life..no loans no EMI..not even a car loan because i am able to manage my finances quite well ( again with a lot of intelligent help from the love of my life)..My biggest asset is undoubtedly a great life partner and two wonderful kids who love being with us …
i do agree that all couples dont have the choice …some need to work to make end meet..i have seen a lot of families where the wife’s income is pivotal in striking a balance. But i strongly feel that if you have a reasonable income , then sacrificing that extra money earned by your spouse actually gives a lot more positives.(Again all these are my experiences and people may think differently.Please don’t take my comments in a negative sense and start an argument. 🙂
regards
A happy husband and dad
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Very well written…glad to c u appreciating your Sahm wife’s efforts 🙂
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Happy Dad, I hope you do not see my comment as “Argument”. If an SAHM can present her notes on why her choice works for her, Working moms would do too.
I am generally a cool man, respectfully listen to people’s opinions, but not too keen on blogs. However, your polite, but obvious comment, deserves the description of my family. So here is a positive note to all working moms, by a happy husband. Cheers to you women, who take the stereotyped notions and assumptions, just because you are succeeding in your career, and most often, raising happy kids too.
Ejaz, Just like you, I am one lucky man. I have a slender pretty wife.. who has a mind of her own, as I have learned… I have a beautiful daughter, and a delightful son. My beautiful family functions by choice. My wife is a “working mom” by choice. We both are graduates from the best engineering colleges, smarty pants, similar to you. I don’t mint millions.
But on a wife who is not too materialistic, and who carefully spends on her children.. manages to buy quality at the best price.. she is smart, so its easy for her.. I could have easily managed , even if she stayed home. She is also very financially savvy, so even if she did not work, I could get some highly positive financial output from her. Now of course we’ve had viscous ones comment on my pay, job, her momhood etc. so as to put down my smart, cute , but a mind of her own types wife. I have watched all this with much amusement, for a few years now. My wife, by my hearty advise, mostly ignores such, nowadays. But sometimes, she points me out such condescending blogs.
.My wife is an amazing cook. She gives me some excellent tummy memories, and to my kids too. She cooks all types of dish. Its one of her hobbies. Despite her lovely slender mom size, she has so much strength, people often get misled there about her. She manages the kids, teaches them, plays with them. She is very straightforward, and takes my help wherever she can, without ego. I am ready to help her wherever I can. I have a great job, but if she enjoys a great job too, she deserves it. She makes her choice work, with my help. We make sure our kids are happy, pampered right, both in time and money. Tomorrow when they grow up, I am sure they would such blogs misleading hence.
She is a feminist of sorts. So she tries to empathize with even those women who had been mean to her. Now, she has learned to distance herself from such.
What I am trying to say here is, that every family has a unique scenario. Several working moms actually have a choice to stay at home, and several working moms, work not for the money, but because they enjoy work. There maybe several working moms, who are much better moms than the SAHMs, and vice versa. Stereotyping, especially by the educated, limits the realms of a society. It’s not healthy.
My daughter is giving ace performance in math. I would love to make her a scientist etc. I hope she finds a husband who see her as an individual and not as a statistic. That she finds a husband who supports all her dreams. Who understands her potential, and who would make possible, the balances in her life.
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And yes.. I cannot deny… While we could have managed well enough without her work, we definitely get the benefit of both our pays being great.. works out just great for our family, as we both balance each others dreams, work, and our children.
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Never blogged much. Man of few words. But another thing just crossed my mind. My wife often agrees and applauds me, for my support. She empathizes with some SAHMs, who say they have it all, then look confused .. say their husband does not lift a finger in household. They also say her that they are compromising on luxuries that my wife enjoys but mention that its not a big sacrifice for their kids. Although my wife is happily busy with her work, hobbies and family, that she has little time for luxuries. But yes, it is understandable, that when husbands and wives have stereotyped roles at a home, it is less stressful and simple, if the wife stays home.
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Are not all comments published here?
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They get published once I approve them …
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Thanks, for publishing my comments. A good blogger encourages open discussion. Hopefully all the viewpoints mentioned here, will start positive outlooks, on this hot discussion.
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but not all like to sit @ hme doing d same things in lyf…….
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Congrats on finding your place. I think ultimately every person should do what makes them truly happy. For me its being a working mom. I absolutely love that I get to meet other people, interact and solve complex problems. At the end of the day I feel accomplished at work and satisfied. When I bring my son home from school, I make sure to spend all my time with him. We play outside, cook, clean up dishes, do laundry together, read books, play games, build playdoh, take our dogs for a walk and all of this gives me another source of happniess. All the best to you!
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I have a simple question.If all our daughters attain the best by being Stay at home moms once they become a mom do we really need to spend so much time and effort on their education?A normal graduation is enough to be a wonderful mom and our grandmothers did that extremely well few decades back.
Why do we need to make them run for higher studies and compete with guys in schools and colleges.
Probably by glorifying the stay at home concept we are trying to push our bright and beautiful girls back to the ages when they women were contended to bear children and work in the kitchens.
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V need to educate our daughters to give them a ‘choice’ between being working mothers or Sahm … It is not regressive to be a Sahm … In fact it’s a mature decision because taking care of your kid is a hugely satisfying job in itself … But judging someone for making her choice whether Sahm or wm is definitely ‘regressive ‘ !
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Nice read.. However I feel the article was tad bit biased and judging what is good and “not so good” about being a WM. Recent study published after 15 years of research says that kids of both SAHM and WM show no difference in intellect, growth and IQ..so let’s not bring the kids and their sickness into discussion. Try reading Lean In.. It may bring another whiff of fresher air… Until then keep the blogging.. I enjoyed reading .. Truly !
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https://in.lifestyle.yahoo.com/from-a-working-mom-to-a-stay-at-home-mom–don-t-judge-me-122620050.html
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Most of our old generation mom’s were SAHM…and they have enjoyed it.But there is one difference.They were uneducated.The more educated we are the more the guilt will haunt us.I have the experience of SAHM partly by my choice and because of circumstances. But what I notice that my spouse and my daughter become more independent once I become a working mother. Further they started supporting me stating that you cant mange alone.This make a difference. I had stopped maid during my SAHM period and believed that I can mange everything. Later realized that ‘I am wrong’. Spending 24hrs in a same environment with all household work and boring routine made me ill. Now I am ignoring the comments of in-laws that ‘you make my son do house hold chores’ with a smile and proud that ‘my sarkari babu has improved and capable to do things without a helper’ 😛 . I must say one thing that the kids of working mothers are more independent compared to kids brought up by SAHM
Life is about choices….glad that you are enjoying your life to the fullest.Kudos Lady
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I am a mother of two kids a 5 yr old son and a 2 year old daughter. I was fortunate to try both worlds to see what worked for me. With my older kid, I went back to work soon after my maternity break as I was fortunate enough to live in India, close to my parents. This didn’t last long and we moved to the United States of A soon after. I had to quit working for a short while to take care of my child while my work papers got ready. With only one kid, being a Stay at Home Mom was fun. I was able to make friends, refresh my culinary skills, fine tune my home making skills and above all, sharpen my programming skills to get back to work at a higher level. This period lasted only three months and when I got back to work, while I missed my son’s mischievous smiles, I was still happy, because I found a baby sitter for him who had two older lovely kids to play with him and was a more seasoned mom to him than I was. My second innings as a SAHM was not so smooth sailing. I stayed at home for over a year with my second one. This time, things were very different and difficult as I had two kids to care for and my older one was still too young to attend a full day school. He went to a Preschool that kept him only for 3 hours. That was the only one on one time I got with my infant daughter. Cooking now became more laborious as I needed to cook baby meals, child meals and adult meals. Cleaning was a round the clock job with two little ones messing around the house all time and laundry and dishes became the never ending burden. As the case with any husband of a stay at home mom, my husband too became less and less involved with the daily chores or babysitting. This resulted in the kids getting more and more attached and so dependent on me that I would feel guilty if I went to the bathroom while they were not asleep. I never even got to eat my lunch or dinner without getting up atleast once responding to the cries or demands of my kids.
Finally when I got back to work, I spent the day eating a long lunch chatting and catching up with old colleagues, using the toilet for as long as I wished guilt free and finally catching up with the world news and the bollywood gossips. My husband, even though burdened with his share of house hold chores, is now glad as he sees me happy. Kids too have definitely become more social and independent. They don’t really miss me as they now have Mummy, Daddy and Aunty who care for them instead of only Mummy. The same old messy living room, unfolded laundry and a sink full of dishes to be done, now invite fewer stares from unannounced guests. No more justifications to be given for cereals or bread for breakfast, instead of pooris or parathas.
Ofcourse, I need to admit that all these were possible only because of my kids’ baby sitters who did no less job than I did as their mom in taking care of them while I was away working. I cannot thank them enough for the way my kids are being cared for.
All this on the personal front. Coming to the more materialistic me, being a SAHM definitely made me feel guilty spending for the little extras, may it be a piece of jewellary or may be even a longer conversation with Mom back home. My husband tried his best to erase that guilt off me, trying to assure that all was fine and that he was definitely earning well enough to meet any demands of his ‘not too demanding’ wife. Still the middle class upbringing in me always counted the dollars I spent without working for it. Part of this guilt probably was because of our family backgrounds where I have seen all women working, may it be my mom, aunts cousins or inlaws. Getting back to work gave me the liberty to spend, gift or donate without checking with anybody. Not that I had to while I wasn’t working, but I always believed that the person who was bringing the money should be aware of where it was going. Another factor was the security that two jobs gave us. My husband was able to pursue his dreams of a ‘foren’ MBA only because he had the financial backing that my job gave him. The biggest factor above all is the happiness and security I have been able to give my parents. Being an only child, I did not want my parents to feel that they missed something by not having a son.
As Priya rightly pointed out, life is about choices, what worked for me, may not work for another one. Live your life the way you and your loved ones feel happy about.
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I love you, for this article:) I feel exactly the same. As if I have written it:) Thank you, from the bottom of my heart:))
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Thank you Sayyana for such kind words and all your love 🙂 AM so glad to know that there are many people like me who have experienced this gift of being a Lucky and Happy SAHM !
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I don’t know how my mom did it! I don’t have any kids yet, and to be honest I don’t know if I would have the patience to be a SAHM. Thank you, ladies, for all you do. I watch my best friend take care of her 3 babies every day and I know it takes a special kind of person! For myself, I also would need to get out of the house, maybe a part time job? SAHM’s have the hardest job ever… Sometimes I would just need to talk to other adults. You’re amazing!
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Be it a working mom or a SAHM, every mother does best for their childern. My mother has been a working mom , but I have never felt that she was not there for us when we needed her. I agree, it must have been tough for her to juggle both things. Having a working mom made me and my brother more independent and not whining for our mother for every single chore ( not they all SAHM’s kids will do that). Though I also agree with your point that it’s a blessing to be able to enjoy your kid’s initial years with them. I will love to do that if possible . In US , maybe it’s easy to rejoin after a break , but as a working woman from India, I doubt if a break will do good to an Indian mom’s career path.I had seen people’s ratings take a dip by going for maternity leave. Also, it’s important for females to be financially independent ( esp in India, and you know why). For your rented house point , dear the rents are so high in Metros in India , that your EMI will be less than that :). My thought is that we should just focus on our family , do best we can do for them , and let others say what they want to , And yes, very important do not judge others.
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You dont address single moms who are sole providers for their kids? Do you feel like they too have a choice to be a sahm?
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Hi Suzie,
This is a very valid question. I am sorry for the delay in replying but hope I can throw some light on this. Please remember this is my point of view and I am welcome to what other readers think too.
There was a point in my life where I was close to becoming a single parent too and I thought to myself, how can I continue to enjoy my kids as a SAHM because this was a privelege I didn’t want to let go of. These are the various options that I thought of till my younger one turned 5 and started full day school.
1. Move to my parents’ home to have the support system to bring up two kids. Here I am talking about the physical, emotional and financial support system that three of us would need.
2. Move to a tier 2 city in India which has a lower cost of living than a metro. In my case, my parents spent half their year in a small town in Himachal Pradesh and the other half in Mumbai so I picked the small town.
3. I analysed my costs and noticed that the highest cost in India is of educating the kids and that is something I didn’t want to compromise on. So I figured that the alimony will have to pay for it.
4. I could sell my jewelry from time to time and dip into ten years of my savings and investments to keep the house running till I got back to working again.
5. I could get ads on my blog to earn revenue and still be a SAHM.
6. I could cut down all other expenses. I didn’t need new clothes.kids could wear hand me downs.The other resources like house, food, maid, car we were sharing with my parents.
7. I also thought of becoming a teacher in my kid’s school.
So, in my analysis I had an advantage of very supportive parents. I didn’t go down the path of a single parent to share the actual experience but I was on the brink of it. Also, I want to be a SAHM only till my kids have time for me. When they get busy, I will get back to earning.
I know of another single parent here in the US who is also my babysitter. She works as a part time nanny and brings her kids along with her for babysitting when they are not in school. Also she has a supportive father and close girlfriends who help her out . She has no alimony.
And finally, remarriage is also an option.
So, people do find ways and means even when circumstances are tough. When you have a self awareness of what you want in life, the universe helps you get it 🙂
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This is very true . Me too staying home with my daughter since she is born. I agreed your all upsides.my reason to stay home that god has given me one life to take care of it n I really wanted to take care of her . N my husband never forced me to work even if I m masters. I really felt that if u stay home that u njoy being seeing all new things ur child learn n appreciate more about god. N fortunately I have not felt any down side 🙂 I get lot of appreciation from my hubby. All time n even help how working woman gets from their hubby. I feel I do not compromise any where in raising my daughter . I fortunate ly I have really good friends now . Selfless friend s . Ppl ask me do u get booze staying home ? Then I really have to think about it because I do not get boore. My emotional bonding with daughter is great n from my side I feel I am always physically there when she needs me . I worked already 7 years before full time . Still I do not complain being home
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beautifully written.. being a SAHM is a big job which is not appreciated often. I guess its all worth when u see your precious ones smiling at the end of the day!!
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I wanted to thank you for your beautiful and motivating post! I know it’s an older post but I really wanted to tell you my appreciation! I’ve been wondering for the last 2 weeks if I was doing the right thing by beeing at SAHM with my two years old only son. I’ve been really depressed about not having a career like my other friends and found myself often very bored and not motivated with my baby. It’s also winter now and very cold so I don’t know what to do with my son anymore! Reading you reminded me why I loved beeing a SAHM in the first place and how lucky I am to be able to make that decision for my family. Yes, I am sacrificing years of work experience and I am not sure what I will do after and I have zero financial dependency or saving in case of separation, but I think it’s worth it to see my child grow each day and have that special bond between us plys having the time to do house chores. I’ll try to be more positive and appreciative now and remind myself how lucky I am. In a couple of years, when my son will enter preschool, I’ll have to rest of my life to work. But for now it’s me and him. They grow so fast…
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I totally agree to all your valuable pointings except one about not buying a home in USA. I always encourage people to buy affordable home and pay the same amount as mortgage instead paying as rent. I owned two homes. When I sold my first home I made a good money out of it, what ever I payed as mortgage I got it back. The money that is payed as rent won’t be yours but the money that you pay as mortgage will be a deposit to your own asset. when you sell the home you will get it back. Think about that!!
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